Fear of Marriage – Roles

In the past, the roles of men and women were pretty defined. Women were stay-at-home wives and mothers while men were the providers and protectors. Things have seriously changed today. Men and women can easily share the same roles without it seeming out of place.

As for myself, I find comfort in being able to watch my kids grow as much as possible. I cannot imagine sitting in an office kilometres away while somebody else spends all that time with them. Well, I was lucky enough to find a partner who had the exact same values when it came to raising children. Probably if it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t really have a choice in the matter. There are most likely women out there who would rather stay home but for financial reasons have to get a 9-5 office job. Although, there are many ways to make money from the comfort of your home.

So I wonder, is it more about the fear of the title itself for most women? Do women feel like if they do not have a career it somehow makes them inferior to men? Or maybe it is simply about the fear of doing the bulk of the housework and childcare?

For those of you ladies who have made up your mind to work full-time regardless of your husband’s income…if you meet Mr Right who ticks all the boxes on your list but requests that he take on the sole responsibility of the finances so that you take care of the home…will you change your mind? Or is there nothing that will allow you to give up a career for a man?

Would you rather never get married than make this compromise?

Do Share! 🙂

Fear of Marriage – The Appearance

Now this is a very sensitive topic for most people. And I am not really talking about how we dress but more about the size of our belt.

As a child I remember being bigger than the other girls in my class and feeling very conscious about it. It wasn’t because I understood that being overweight was unhealthy for me…all I knew was that when I was around other kids they would point and comment about my big belly. It was painful and it was difficult feeling like there was something wrong with my body.

Although I am fitter now, my weight is still something that I struggle with. It also doesn’t get easier after having a child. Some people just bounce right back literally in less than 2 months without doing much about it but for me it has been much more difficult. The hardest part of it being the way your spouse deals with it. He  may be more willing to be silent while you work on it regardless of how long it takes; or he could be the type who just cannot keep himself from commenting on your size the moment the baby pops out.

When a woman is looking for someone to marry, is she as critical of her appearance as she is of the man she is about to marry? Does it matter to you if your partner/fiancé looks like he just stepped out of a sports shoot cover or like he is carrying a tire around his waist? Does it is matter to you if you are in the same situation? Would you actually be more comfortable with someone who is at the same fitness level as you? Is it more about a healthy lifestyle to you or also about his looks (perfect set of teeth, full head of hair, face like a Greek god, etc.)

Also, if you have been dating a guy for a while, let’s say you put on a few pounds, what do you think about him making comments about your weight? Would you be comfortable to let him draw out a fitness plan for you or would you rather he completely kept his nose out of it? Where do you draw the line?

Do Share! 🙂

Tales of a shattered gourd

“Chopu!” His mother called from their compound.

She had returned from the farm carrying a basket full of yams on her head with his youngest sibling wrapped sound asleep on her back. Her hands were filled with firewood which they would later use to make dinner. He always wondered where his mother’s never-ending strength came from. It was like she had the strength of three able-bodied men. Usually their father would have helped her with the load but he was no longer with them as he had disappeared into the forbidden forest the previous year. No one has ever entered into the forest and returned.

“Welcome Mama!”, Chopu greeted as he helped his mother put down the firewood and assisted her with the basket of yams.

“Where is your sister?” She asked.

“She is sleeping.” He replied, as he started arranging the firewood in preparation for dinner.

“Go and wake her up. I need both of you to go to back to the farm and bring back the gourd I left by the entrance.” She instructed.

“Yes Ma.” He responded.

It was always difficult to wake his sister from a nap. It was like approaching a bee hive and trying to get a drop of honey. His sister, Ekele, was only five years old and she was the splitting image of their father. Chopu shook her gently by the arms but she wouldn’t budge. He then shook her much harder which did the trick because seconds later he found himself being chased around the bedroom by a screaming Ekele.

“Chopu! Ekele!” His mother yelled as they froze in their steps. “Stop that nonsense right now and hurry now to the farm. I want you to be back before dinner.”

“Yes, Mama”. They chorused and left the house.

They strolled down the path leading to the farm as it was only a ten minute walk from the house.

“Chopu,” Ekele asked as she skipped down the path ahead of him, “do you think that father will be back in time for the festival?”

“I do not think so Ekele.” He sadly responded. Nobody had yet to explain to his sister that their father was probably dead and never coming back. She was always waiting and hoping to see him and would ask often when he would be returning. It wasn’t a topic he liked to talk about. “We are almost at the farm so please slow down.” He said to distract her.

As they approached the farm entrance, there were three older boys playing with the gourd. They were tossing it like a ball from one person to another.

“Hey! Stop that!” Chopu shouted as he ran towards them.

When they heard him, they threw the gourd to the ground and ran away laughing. The gourd shattered into pieces which caused Ekele to start crying.

“But why did they do that?” She asked between sobs.

Chopu was very upset with the three boys. He vowed in his heart to find them one day and make them pay for what they did. However, for now he focused on comforting his little sister. “Do not worry,” he said to her,”We will try and look for another one to replace it but if we do not find one soon, we have to go home for dinner”.

“Okay,” She smiled, “but I want to be the one to choose which gourd we take home.”

He agreed and they set out into the neighbouring bushes to look for a new gourd. They walked for one hour and Ekele could not find any gourd which she wanted. He begged her to choose one but she was never pleased with its size. “I want the biggest one!” She would complain, so they would keep on searching.

It was getting quite late and Chopu felt a strange stillness in the air. There was something familiar about the trees with the white chalk marks. The fact that he could no longer hear any birds or insects. He started to wonder just how far they had wandered because he could hear the sound of rushing water in the distance but he knew that the village stream was at the other side of the village.

“Chopu, Look!” Ekele exclaimed excitedly as she pointed at a stream.

He immediately recognised where they were. They had wandered so far into the forest that they were standing at the entrance of the forbidden forest. He recalled all the stories told by the old men in the village, of the trees marked with a white chalk to warn people of the forest, and they were standing right at it’s entrance. They had been warned to never cross the stream.

“Ekele, Ekele we have to go now!” he grabbed her hand, pulling her in the opposite direction.

“No Chopu!” She resisted. “We have to find a gourd for mama!”

He had absolutely no intentions of entering the forest. In fact, they had already come too close to it and needed to return home before dark. “No!” He yelled at her, “this is the forbidden forest. We cannot go there! Let’s go back!”

Her eyes instantly lit up.”Papa!…Papa is there!”

It all happened so fast that Chopu hadn’t noticed when his little sister’s hand slipped out of his. She was already half way across the stream by the time he turned around. It was no longer a question…he knew he had to cross

Fear of Marriage – The Proposal

Let’s say you’ve managed to find that Mr Right and you have been dating for a while. Everything seems to be going so well but it just seems like he won’t pop the question. You know you share something special and you are prepared to tie the knot. Maybe you are even dropping hints here and there but still he seems extremely clueless. Then you start second guessing if he is the right guy for you anyway and as a result you end the relationship out of panic or fear of being dragged along indefinitely.

So my question is this…How long is too long to be dating without a proposal? Assuming you have both made it clear that you want to get married at some point, do you have a maximum waiting time and if so,what is it? 2 yrs, 5 yrs or maybe even 6 months is more than enough for some of you.

I had a long distance relationship for a while and boy oh boy…waiting for someone to pop the question from miles away is not a joke at all! There came a point when I almost popped the question myself! haha! Luckily I didn’t have to. Although, not that there is anything particularly wrong with that. What do you think? Is it out of place for a woman to make the move to propose or is that just unacceptable? Is the value of the marriage ruined by it in any way or do women avoid it because it seems less romantic?

Did you propose? And if you did…how did it affect your relationship?

Do Share! 🙂

Fear of Marriage – The list

So what is it about the term ‘marriage’ which seems to frighten people in today’s world? Less and less of my peers are interested in getting married early. And we are talking women from ages 25 – 30! That is actually considered in a lot of cases as early for a woman nowadays.

I married a bit early, if you know what I mean and I have to say, it is not an easy journey this trip called ‘marriage’. My partner and I are very strong characters and we are stubborn in our own way, which does not help when arguments ensue. We can spend the entire conversation going in circles just because we want to feel that we have been heard. By the end of the argument, we are so upset that we can’t even bear to look at each other.

That being said, there are times when we are so into each other that we spend the whole day hip to hip…the times when we just cannot imagine a life with someone else. Which brings me to my first topic in the Fear of Marriage series ; The List.

I have a friend who cannot seem to find a man who ticks all the boxes of her ‘the right husband‘ list. She includes things like ‘should earn more than me, should be able to carry me, speaks 2 / 3 languages fluently, likes Chinese food as much as I do…‘ Some people might consider this a reasonable list and some might think she may be asking for way too much and will never find a suitor. What do you think?

I have to confess that I made a list myself but when I met my husband, but the pull was so strong that I tossed that list right out the window. There were things on the list which he met  and those he didn’t, but then there were also things which I didn’t even think mattered to me but I am so glad that he has those qualities.

Now ladies, my question to you is…if you are married, did you make a list? And if you did, what percentage of this did he tick? Do you find that making a list and sticking to it is worth it. Do you think making a list might have prevented you from meeting the ‘right‘ guy for you or did the list make it easier for you to spot the right guy?

If you are single and searching…do you have a list? And if so, can you please share with us what is on the list? Do you feel that you may never get married if he doesn’t tick all the boxes, or are you prepared to stray from the list if someone manages to sweep you off your feet?

Do share 🙂

welcome!

This blog is mostly for the ladies. It touches a few issues which bother us today from topics like finding that right hairstyle to divorce. So if you are a guy please browse and comment with caution because it is a blog where we expect women to feel free to express themselves & share without feeling put down or dominated. It is a sharing website for the ladies.

Thank you for visiting my blog and please feel free to leave comments 🙂